The Indian air traveler

Indians are finally being allowed to use their mobile phones as soon as the aircraft lands and exits to the taxiway. Airlines perhaps realized the futility of persuading us to keep our phones switched off “till the aircraft comes to a complete halt”. About time. After all we are the most important people in the world and every missed call is a missed opportunity. However, the realization of our self worth is only one of the reasons why safety measures sound alien to us. We urban Indians live under a constant threat of being murdered, gunned down by a terrorist, run over by a speeding car or being blasted away, so flight safety being jeopardized by a harmless looking mobile phone doesn’t really make us sweat. Travelling while hanging on the sides of a train or finding our way through a maze of buffalos on a two-wheeler, or edging past a bus while crossing the road are activities which rattle most foreign tourists but are second nature to us. We are brave people. It also helps that we believe in destiny.

Coming back to the phone happy Indian. The longest flight in India is about three hours but we have strong reasons to believe that during those three hours China has captured Delhi, our factory has been swallowed by an earthquake and our wives have remarried. So we love to stay connected. We update each and every movement from exiting the aircraft, to boarding the bus, reaching the terminal, using the urinal and farting (the last one involuntary, but heard on the phone nevertheless). If you are not seen receiving or making a call immediately on arrival, no one in this world loves you or needs you. You have moved one step lower on the social ladder. Which is equivalent to ten steps down on the ego ladder. After all there are 1.2 billion Indians. Surely half of them out to know you.

Itching to use the mobile is one of the many kinds of socially upward behavior we display on flights. Others include:

·         Not wearing seat belts unless told in three different languages.

·         Refusing to keep the seat upright until its forcibly pushed

·         Calling for the flight attendant when the aircraft is taking off

·         Standing in the aisle looking around for no particular reason

·         Dozing off in the loo.

The more sophisticated ones among us flip out the laptops and open up slick looking power point(less) presentations to impress the neighboring passenger.

Air travel is an interesting experience for the astute observer. One can find similar set of travelers across airports:

I live out of the suitcase variety: almost always late for the flight, argue with the airline staff on being refused a boarding pass, and generally in a bad mood about the state of infrastructure

I have arrived in life variety: Mostly young, conscious of their appearance, always make it a point to carry (and brandish) the latest electronic gadgets

I am your neighborhood uncle variety: Middle aged, soft spoken, chatty, will refuse even complimentary food on the flight. If you happen to spot one of them, befriend them and eat their share of food

I was born to be a ‘liberal’ variety: Of all ages, unbathed, unshaven and shabbily dressed, often underestimating the Delhi winter while sitting in Mumbai airport and not wearing enough clothes.

I own the Stock Market variety: Always on the phone (3 phones), buying and selling shares till the battery lasts, pan masala pouch in hand and eyes on the flight attendant.

I carry the world with me variety: Need 4 trolleys to carry the luggage. Will leave the empty trolleys at the check in counter

We are just back from honeymoon variety: Hand in hand, eye to eye, lots of public display of affection, henna painted hands, 3 dozen bangles on each arm, often found whispering to each other.

We have had enough honeymoons variety: Grumpy looking with 2 noisy children, will talk only when necessary.  

Of course there is also the flying-for-the-first-time variety, but I have avoided bunching them in the above list as I sympathize with them and don’t want to be seen lampooning them. These chaps look confused, are not aware of the procedures and often end up annoying the ‘frequent fliers’ by their slow progress in ques.

Rail travel provides interesting characters too. But a commentary on that will have to wait as I have been told that hidden cams have been installed in our office, recording me posting blogs during office hours.