Wednesday, January 5, 2011

Everybody needs a lobbyist

Following was overheard at the Annual Summit of Dogs in Dec 2010. The meeting was being chaired by a burly German Shepherd (Sheppie). Members included an assortment of dogs – A Pomeranian (Pommy), a Labrador (Labby), A pug (Puggy) and Mongy (representative of stray dogs)

Sheppie - Comrades! This meeting of ASD is called to order! Before we set the agenda for the year ahead, let us spend some time in reflecting over the developments of last year.

A disturbing trend has been observed. The skyrocketing sales of pugs have left some our other brethren high and dry, who claim they have no takers. Pet store owners are complaining of excess inventory of Pomeranians, the coochie coo darlings of yester years, while the waiting period for pugs has shot up to 6 months. However, some pugs are at the receiving end too. A breeding farm owner told me that he feeds his mating dogs aphrodisiacs to improve their libido and performance. A pug, on condition of anonymity said that he is 12 years old and doesn’t have the same vigour and vitality of youth, but his manager insists on high productivity. Surely this amounts to cruelty.

Pommy - I am glad you brought up this subject Sheppie. These pugs are just putting on a show of being over cute. Beneath that cuddly exterior lies a scheming mind which is hell bent on world domination. They do not subscribe to the policy of co-existence

Puggy - This is nonsense. Pommy knows nothing about the market. They are entry level dogs. We belong to a more premium segment. There is room for all of us. See, Labby is not complaining. He knows his status as a watchdog is not threatened by Pugs.

Labby- How dare you call me a watchdog you miserable couch warming thug! We Labbies are sophisticated and versatile pets

Sheppie – Hold on, hold on guys. Let’s not fight amongst ourselves. I have other issues to discuss. Our counseling department is receiving increased number of complaints of harassment by strays. Mongy what do you have to say as their representative? Members complain that it’s becoming difficult to go out for evening walks with leering mongrels all around.

Mongy – This is a highly reprehensible charge that smacks of upper class arrogance. Yes there have been incidents in the past where some of these so called well behaved chaps of yours have piddled on our shelters and our boys have been forced to retaliate. In fact, in an unprovoked incident, one of your boys lured one our sisters into his home on the pretext of offering food and then tried to outrage her modesty. Fortunately for her, a brave cat intervened with his sharp paws and managed to rescue her. So much for our hate campaign against cats. They are far better than some of us and mind their own business.

Sheppie – That brings me to our next point. The president of the Cat association met me for a drink last week. He was upset that dogs are getting disproportionate coverage in the media because the PR guy is  a dog. He wants equal representation on the PR board and wants to change the negative image of cats.

Labby – there is no end to this. Next you will have cows and buffalos asking for representation. The cats need to learn a thing or two about loyalty and affection before they start comparing themselves to us. They can go ahead and form their own lobby if they want. I don’t see myself rubbing shoulders with good for nothing felines.

Puggy – It’s not efficient to have different lobbies. We have certain common problems in the animal fraternity that need to be addressed collectively instead of giving divergent views.

Pommy – Surprisingly well spoken Puggy. It is evident that you are eating a lot of Pedigree these days. We have to contend with leftover bread and diluted milk.

Mongy – We want representation in the PR lobby too. We want a campaign for adoption of our brothers and sisters. They too have right to a good life.

Puggy – Grass is always greener on the other side my friend. You have no idea how it feels to be passed on from the lap of one human to another all the time. Or to control your bladder till it’s time to go out. Or to sit in the room and watch your owners copulate. Damn, these fellows do it any day of the year, any time of the day, unlike us decent chaps who wait for our season. I once heard my owner say to her lover “Oh you are such an animal”, while they were at it. This is disgraceful. We animals are not like that.

Sheppie – Remind me to take up your last point during the next PR meeting.

Pommy – I didn’t know Puggy was on the PR board !! No wonders their sales are so high!

Sheppie – Alright. Let’s spend some time on our agenda for the next year. I propose the following:
1.    Demand for bullet proof jackets for our Labby brothers who work in dangerous conditions such as bomb disposal squads, to be submitted to the Police department
2.    Demand for 2 meals a day for unadopted strays to be submitted to the health department
3.    Smear campaign against cats to be withdrawn. One cat to be inducted on the PR board
4.    Better production and marketing planning so as to have optimum demand-supply situation for all breeds

Labbie – I don’t want cats on the board

Mongy – You arrogant rascal. We would prefer to have homegrown cats rather than imported dogs like you on the board.

Labby – You wretched scum, we are not imported. We have been breeding in this country for years. It’s Puggy who is imported.

Puggy – you fat expensive to maintain slob. You eat the food of 4 mongrels. You are responsible for food shortage.

Labby – Take this you snub nosed pillow of a dog. #$@%.

A fight ensues. Meeting is inconclusive.

Far away a group of cats is watching all this through a hidden webcam.

Chief Cat – Fellow Felines, the congregation of dogs has come to end in a predictable manner. As you can see, certain vested interests do not want us on the board. We come from an illustrious family of Lions and Tigers. It is only appropriate that we form our own lobby. I hear that a certain prominent lobbyist is out of work these days. I will get in touch with her.

Chief Cat’s suggestion is met with ‘Ayes’


  1. Zabardast!!! "the PR guy is a dog" is true in most cases :D

  2. Chihuahuas are feeling ignored....poor dogs are getting tired acting cute and they don't even find a mention here. Their lobbyists are definitely not doing their job :)