Sunday, January 16, 2011

The marriage contract

I am not a legal person. I don’t mean I am an illegal person. What I mean is that I am neither an expert on legal affairs nor qualified for it. However my job involves studying quite a few business contracts and occasionally drafting some as well, in which case I use CTRL+C and CTRL+V to good measure. The language used in contracts fascinates me. It stands as a language that has withstood the onslaught of cunning lawyers for centuries and has constantly evolved in order to become abuse proof. A lot of people, especially those who hate paperwork consider legal language as belonging to the Neanderthal era. This is unfair. Just as machines become safer, they also become more complex. So I have decided to draft one such contract which I shall get signed in triplicate on the day of my marriage, if and when it happens. It’s always good to be prepared in advance.

This agreement, effective as of ________ (the “Wedding Date”), between:

The Biggest Loser, resident of
XXX, Kamasutra Apartments,
Dr. Alf. A. Romeo Street (Opposite Pappu’s DVD Shop)
New Delhi-69


Ms. Even Bigger Loser, resident of

WHEREAS, The Biggest Loser (hereinafter for the sake of brevity referred to as “TBL”) is a tall, handsome and well built male specimen of the human race (ladies may differ on whether on he is dark or fair depending on their own ethnicity);
WHEREAS, TBL is desirous of entering into a matrimonial arrangement with a female of the human species;


WHEREAS, Even Bigger Loser (hereinafter for the sake of brevity referred to as “EBL”) is a female of the human species;
WHEREAS, EBL has conducted all due diligence as regards the antecedants of TBL and undertakes that she holds no objection against TBL as on the wedding date.


WHEREAS, TBL and EBL (hereinafter collectively referred to as “Parties” or “Party” as the case may be) hereby undertake that as on the Wedding Date they are not lawfully wedded to another male or female of the human species, and if and when proved contrary, this agreement shall be treated as void ab-initio.


1.    The Parties lawfully accept each other as their spouse. For the sake of clarity, TBL accepts EBL as his lawful wife and EBL accepts TBL as her lawful husband.
2.    The Parties agree that sexual intercourse is an integral part of married life and they shall endeavor to satisfy each other’s needs in a mutually agreeable manner and on a best efforts basis. The Parties shall, within seven (7) days of the Wedding Date enter into an agreement defining the frequency and level of intercourse. The agreement shall clearly define what activities and objects are permissible and what are not permissible and which days are to be considered off days.
3.    Hitherto, the Parties have expressed displeasure at performing household work and after due deliberations on the matter have decided to appoint a female domestic help. Such female domestic help shall work under close supervision of EBL, and under no circumstances report for duty on days during which TBL happens to be the only occupant of the house
4.    The Parties are conscious of the need to keep themselves well groomed and presentable to each others’ social acquaintances and are expected to behave in a manner which is not offensive, directly or indirectly to relatives, friends and ex lovers. Specifically:
a.    TBL shall make best efforts to avoid passing gas or scratching himself in objectionable places of the body in the presence of EBL. In cases when there are guests present in the house, such activity is strictly prohibited.
b.    In such cases where the guest is a former love interest of either Party, the Parties shall ensure a cordial atmosphere devoid of insults, sarcasm and puns (intended or unintended)
5.    The Parties have agreed to let bygones be bygones and undertake not to attach importance to events that occurred before the Wedding Date in the daily conduct of affairs. Specifically:
a.    TBL shall not question EBL during or after sexual intercourse if he is a better or worse performer than EBL’s former love interests
b.    EBL shall not ask TBL if his former love interests were more beautiful than herself or possessed better assets than herself
c.    The parties shall also endeavor to avoid making comparisons to former love interests on matters related to size of assets, monetary or biological
d.    If TBL tries to establish any communication with his former love interests, for reasons that are professional or personal in nature, he shall give a notice in writing at least two (2) days in advance to EBL briefly describing the need for and nature of such communication
6.    Hitherto, EBL has expressed concern over aggressive sexual behavior arising out of excessive alcohol consumption and not being matched by performance. However, the Parties agree on the health benefits of moderate consumption of alcoholic drinks and within seven (7) days of this agreement shall arrive at a consensus on acceptable levels of consumption.
7.    The Parties agree that visits to and by in-laws are unavoidable and agree to dedicate six (6) working days in a calendar year to such visits. Provisions of Clause 4(a) & 4(b) shall also apply in spirit to this clause.
8.    The Parties shall be responsible for their personal expenses and shall share common expenses as per mutually agreeable terms. Neither party shall give hints, or make suggestive remarks that gifting of a particular item has become essential to the maintenance of domestic tranquility. However, at any point of time, either Party is free to purchase gifts for the other party of his or her own will.

For the purpose of this agreement, offsprings are defined as a biological product, whether by choice or by accident, of sexual encounters between the parties. However the parties agree that at this point offsprings are a complex subject and merit a separate agreement. Hence offsprings are considered as out-of-scope under this agreement.

Validity & Termination

This agreement is valid until one or both the Parties is declared dead by a competent authority. However at any point during the term of this agreement, either Party is free to express its desire to terminate the agreement on giving at least six month’s advance notice. During this period the Parties shall make suitable efforts for reconciliation. In such cases that the reconciliation efforts fail, the agreement shall deemed to have been terminated. Offspring agreements, if any which are supplement to this agreement shall be co-terminus with this agreement.

Signed by each Party





1 comment:

  1. Good ideas for my prenup. Will get it right this time :P