The ‘Follow Up’ Culture (FUCK)

(The ‘K’ in the above abbreviation is redundant, just as in ‘Knowledge’. It has been used only as a cheap gimmick to attract attention.)

For long FUCK has been the national corporate culture in India, so much so that it is an institution by itself. Lack of ability to FUCK can be a serious impediment to one’s career progression and is only considered less bad than corporate fraud. Given its importance, I am more than a little disappointed that what deserves to be a post graduate specialization is not even a 3 credit course in B-schools.

Like a well trained management professional I would have liked to make a 42 slide power point presentation on the subject, complete with pie charts, chevrons and bubble diagrams, but the limitations of media restrict me. Hence I will do it the old fashioned way.

The Origins of FUCK

Unconfirmed reports suggest that Indian soil contains traces of bacteria called Relaxum Amnesium which though not fatal, is known to induce temporary memory loss. The bacteria find its way into the food chain through potatoes, widely consumed across India. The effects of the bacteria become visible after the age of 23, peak by 45 and decline by 58. This is remarkably concurrent with the working age of most Indians. Critics have rubbished this theory by calling it ‘national propaganda aimed at legitimizing inefficiency’. They claim that the origins of FUCK lie in bureaucratic lethargy and impatience of businessmen and cannot be blamed on extraneous factors. Being a patriotic Indian, I would like such critics to be spanked in full public view.

Types of FUCK

1.    Stage I (Friendly) – Characterized by an amicable tap on the shoulder followed by a “Yaar tune mera kaam nahin kiya” (“Buddy you didn’t do my work”). Buddy responds by saying “Oye yaar, bhool gaya. Abhi karta hoon” (“Oops dude, I forgot. Will do it right away). He doesn't. But no bad blood yet.

2.    Stage II (Controlled Aggression) – No friendly taps on the shoulder. A phone is picked up and the following interaction ensues:

Victim – Boss, I was waiting for the update from your end. (In India, the word ‘Boss’ when calling someone other than your Boss has a confrontational tone to it)

Boss – Boss, you will get it by end of day. (it means end of next day)

3.    Stage III (Sarcasm) – The communication medium is still phone, followed by a mail.

Victim : Maalik, iss saal update milega?? (My Lord, will I get an update within this year??)

Maalik – Look, I have 100 hundred things to attend to. I will send it by end of this week (it means call up again)

4.    Stage IV (Disguised threat) – This time updates are asked on email, with a copy to the real ‘Boss’

Victim – Dear Mr. Gupta, you are requested to provide the updates asap. Kindly treat this as urgent

Mr. Gupta – Dear Mr. Sharma, pls provide the updates

Mr. Sharma – Dear Amit, FYI & NA

Amit – Sunil, pls do the needful

Sunil – Amit, What updates do you want from me?

Amit – Sorry, forgot the attachment. Please find attached the template.

Sunil – Out of office message: Dear All, as I am getting married, I shall be on leave from 15^th to 31^st March (both days included)

Sunil (on 1^st April) – Dear Amit, just saw your mail. As I have a lot of catching up to do after my leave, I will get back to you by end of this week.

Sunil (next day) – Dear Amit, pls find attached the updates.

Amit – Dear Mr. Sharma – FYI

Mr. Sharma – Dear Mr. Gupta, FYI

Mr. Gupta – Dear Victim, Please find attached.

Victim – Thanks. Appreciate the support (@#$%^!&)

5.    Stage V (Open threat) – Sent on email, with copy to Boss and Gupta’s Boss

Victim – Dear Mr. Gupta, despite repeated reminders, we are yet to receive the updates from your end. If you are facing any difficulty in sharing the same, please let us know. Your prompt action will be highly appreciated.

Boss to Gupta’s Boss – Please help in getting the updates

Gupta’s Boss – Gupta, pls provide asap.

Gupta – Dear Victim, Please find attached. In future to avoid delay, please give me a call. (implying Stage II)

Symptoms of FUCK in a company

1.    Work takes three times as long as it should to complete.

2.    There is a department in your company called ‘Central Facilitation Department”

3.    Forty percent of your staff have the designation ‘Nodal Officer’

4.    Your company has an official position that goes by the name “Vice President – Follow Ups”

5.    Before having sex your employees utter ‘Please do the needful at the earliest’ or ‘please confirm by email that you wish to have sex’.

Treatment

There is no known cure for FUCK, though threats from bosses can temporarily arrest the proliferation of this condition. Vaccination in the form of training sessions, urging workers to be more responsive have proved to be ineffective. The condition is compounded by the fact that the victims of FUCK in many cases are also observed spreading it, thus leading to another complication – what came first, the FUCK or the FUCKed?