Tuesday, January 4, 2011

We will keep asking questions


Deciding what to write on your first blog is more difficult than licking your elbow. It presents dilemmas. Will my first blog create a permanent impression about the kind of person I am? Will it bother me if not too many people follow it? Will my employer give me the boot for my views? The only way to deal with these things is to say ‘I don’t care’. If you are not going to express yourself freely, there is no point getting into it in the first place. Since I have views on politics, media and society and everything under the sun, my first blog is about some of these. It is a fictitious account of a talk show on national television. The participants are a garrulous host (GH), a ruling politician (RP), an opposition politician (OP), and a social activist (SA). Strictly speaking this more a satire than a blog. It is not outrageously funny, but I hope it makes some people smile.


GH: Welcome to this debate on monumental corruption in politics. Just to set the ground rules- I shall speak for 80% of the time during the show. My questions will be made up of no less than 140 words. However, please keep your answers short and direct, preferably less than 5 words. Yes and No would be ideal. We start with Mr. RP. Mr RP is it true that you are responsible for looting the exchequer of Rs 500 Cr

RP: Yes. The money is lying in my Swiss bank account

GH (whispers to RP): When I said be short and direct, this is not what I meant.

GH (loudly): Mr RP, I think you didn’t hear me correctly. I asked is it true that you are responsible for looting the exchequer of Rs 500 Cr?

RP: These are baseless allegations. The exchequer does not have Rs 500 Cr left anymore after the TooGee ghotala.

GH: I have a document with me which says you are a crook.

RP: I have one with me right now which says the same about you. It’s a printout from a blog which says you are a crook. Here is a copy.

GH: What I meant was that I have evidence to prove that you are corrupt. I refer to point 11.2.5.6.3.12 of this document which talks about a taped conversation between you and your wife in which you are telling her, and I quote, “five sacks of onions are on the way. Keep them safe”

RP: Oh yes I remember that. With the price of onions being what they are, you better keep them safe too.

GH: Tax sleuths say ‘one sack of onion’ is code language for Rs 1 Cr

RP: Dude! Is it how much they are worth right now? Allow me to make a call to her and tell her not to cook Chicken do pyaza for dinner tonight. We’ll be better off selling them.

GH: Mr. RP, you are obviously not going to give any direct answers tonight. I will come back to you in a while. Let me move on to Mr. OP. Mr. OP, your party has not allowed the parliament to function for 21days in a row. This has cost the exchequer Rs 100 Cr. Unlike the ruling party members, your MPs haven’t even decided to forego the allowances for the sessions lost.

OP: We will be happy to forego our princely allowances if the government agrees for a grope. Oops, I mean a probe.

GH: But what about the 100 Cr loss? Surely someone has to be accountable for that.

OP: Had the parliament functioned, it would have passed a bill for increasing the salaries of MPs. This would have cost the exchequer Rs 100 Cr. So effectively there is no loss.

GH: So are you saying your MPs do not want a salary hike?

OP: You must be a jerk to believe that we are in politics to earn a salary. Ha ha

GH: I will move on to Ms. SA. Ms. SA, what do you think of all this mess?

SA: Kashmiris must be granted independence.

GH: Duh. I was referring to the 500 Cr ghotala. What are your views on it?

SA: Kashmiris must be granted independence.

GH: Ms. SA I appreciate your concern for Kashmiris, but today’s debate is about corruption.

SA: Government after government has looted the Kashmiris. Kashmir doesn’t produce any onions. They have been crippled by the onion prices. And now this scam. They want freedom. They have had enough.

RP: Ms. SA has no knowledge about onions. Not every state produces onions. No other state is asking for independence on these grounds. Kashmir is an integral part of India. We will never give up Kashmir.

OP: RP’s party has always been soft with separatists. They are responsible for this mess.

GH: Er. Ladies and Gentlemen, can we get back to the topic please? Mr. RP, your party is hand in glove with industrialists. You get kickbacks from them

RP: Yes, last time I got a hard kick on my back side from one of their goons after I took money but didn’t do their work. But I returned the money. So you can’t call me corrupt.

GH: It’s not just about you. It’s about your party.

RP: Our party fought in the freedom struggle!! Unlike OP’s party which wants to split the nation!!

OP: That’s hogwash. RP’s party today has as much to do with freedom struggle as an onion has to do with good breath.

SA: In a way it’s good that onions are so expensive. They make you horny. Indian men could sure do with less libido.

RP: Ms. SA knows nothing about libido.

GH: Gentlemen please. Let’s not get personal. And let’s stay focused on the topic tonite. Mr. OP, the TooGee scam took roots when your government was in power. What do you have to say about that?

OP: We have always said that we are open to investigation. But we first want a joint grope. I mean probe.

RP: OP’s party only believes in dividing people!! We have always been for integration.

GH: Mr. RP, are you scared that a joint grope…. oops, I mean a joint probe will bring the government down?

SA (interrupts): No matter which government is in power, Kashmiris are always oppressed. All mining in Orissa should be banned. Naxalites must not be killed. Human rights abuse must stop.

GH: Ms. SA you are obviously in the wrong debate.

SA: I have not come here to debate. Basically I have nothing better to do. My manager told me that one of the panelists in this show backed out due to some gas problem.  His cook substituted onion with too much mooli. They needed a last minute replacement.

GH: Since onions refuse to leave this debate, my next question is about onions. Mr. RP, your party has done nothing to curb hoarding. You keep saying that fresh stocks are arriving. Where are these fresh stocks? The nation wants answers tonite.

RP: We are importing onions from Pakistan. They need to undergo security clearance.

GH: You mean there might be weapons in the onion shipments?  

RP: No I meant there might be weapons in the onion shipments

GH: That’s what I said.

RP: Oh. I though you said there might be women in the onion shipments.

OP: Pakistanis should be banned from participating in Indian shows!! Throw Veena Malik out of Big Boss.

GH: Her inmates have taken care of that. Didn’t like her much myself. Er…. Lets get back to onions. Mr. RP, the nation wants answers tonite. Will prices of onions come down? Will the guilty in the TooGee scam be punished?

RP: We have sacked the minister.

GH: That is not enough. And what about onion prices? And what about the games scam?

RP: You have no idea how much it means to lose a ministerial berth. He is already having withdrawal symptoms. His career is over. No jail term could be worse.

OP: We want a joint probe. We want a joint probe. We want a joint probe.

GH: Mr. OP, we noted your point about the joint probe. Let me take a question from the audience. The gentleman with his pants down there. What’s your question?

GENTLEMAN WITHOUT TROUSERS: Where is the #$@! loo? Urrrghhhh....

GH: Out! Out of here! Yes ma’am. You over there with earphones on. What’s your question? Hello! I am talking to you. Hello! You were raising your hand.

LADY WITH EARPHONES: Oops. I was only grooving to ‘Chunni badnaam hui’ on my iPod. But I will ask a question - Why are politicians so corrupt?

GH: Very profound question there. Let’s examine this more closely. Mr. OP, why does your party lack leadership? Why doesn’t it focus on developmental issues?

LADY WITH EARPHONES: That was not my question !

GH: I never said I will ensure an answer to your question. Mr. OP, will you please answer my questions?

OP: We are not a dynasty oriented party.

GH: That is not the answer to my question.

OP: We want a joint probe.

GH: Will you answer my…

SA (interrupts): Excuse me. Just got a tweet that there is a separatist conference being held. Must rush while the journalists are still there to cover it. I love the social network. Bye bye

RP: I need to leave too. I have been summoned by party high command.

OP: He means he has to prostrate in front of his masters.

RP: Your party knows nothing about freedom struggle !! You are bent upon dividing the nation!!

GH: Ladies and gentlemen, we have to call an end to this exciting debate. But we will keep asking answers till we get the questions. It is our endeavor to take up issues of national importance. Coming up after the break – “Will Laado marry Bittu? Who is hotter – Chunni or Leela ? Is there life after death?” Keep watching.  

1 comment:

  1. "Retail prices of onion jumped up by Rs 5-10 per kg to up to Rs 65 in metros due to lower supplies and on reports of Pakistan's ban on export of the commodity".

    All your fault!! Onion exporters were minting money and consumers were having a better deal but no, you had to spoil the party by talking about weapons/women in onion shipments. Lo ab expensive pyaaz :)

    ReplyDelete