They are smarter than you

It is no secret that every time you fill up forms and give out your contact details, you are providing employment to a whole industry centered around invading your privacy. My current status as a 30-something single person fetches me a sizeable load of matrimony ads in my mailbox. I wish they would at least change the photographs every now and then. A particular lady named Sonia Sharma (24, Hindu Brahmin, as her profile says) has been trying to marry me for the last 3 years and while I have been struggling to hold on to my hair, she has defied all laws of nature and continues to remain 24.

The second category of mails I receive in generous doses is for Viagra, which surprises and agonizes some of my married friends who believe such mails should be coming to them instead. I disagree and describe to them visuals of a person sitting in a back office, holding a recently filled up bank form, selecting from drop down menus:

Sex - Male

Age - Above 30

Physical Appearance - Apalling

Current Marital Status - Single

Overall Marital Status - Never Married

Salary - Barely Paid

Average Phone Bill - below Rs. 200

Favorite channel - Nickleodeon

Hobbies - Going on long drives in a car without back seat.

Clicks on “Analyze”.

Result: “Subject suffers from low self esteem and possible dysfunction of one or more vital organs. Recommended: Viagra”

My friends breathe easy. Now the absence of Viagra ads in their mailboxes makes them happy.

Junk mail is less bothersome than the latest menace- SMSes urging you to buy property. Now unlike the Viagra guys these are a bunch of people who don’t seem to have done any homework at all or they would know that I am in absolutely no position to do what they say because: 1) I have no money and 2) No need. Nonetheless, these messages come with some innovative warnings- “Ignore now, regret later” and “Be quick or be sorry”. It’s only a matter of time before I get messages that read something like this…“Beta khareed le nahin to baja denge”. This is not an exaggeration. When pesky calls asking you to take personal loans were rampant, I actually had one caller scolding me “aap ki problem kya hai? I am saying check ready hai, no verification required. Phir bhi aap loan lete hi nahin hain”. Believe me, it was scarier than getting scolded on Rakhi ka Insaaf.

But taking the cake these days is my mobile service provider. Their over-zealous system now forewarns me that my bill has been generated. This is followed by a message that my bill will be dispatched on a certain date. On dispatch I am promptly made aware that yes it has been dispatched using Excellent Courier Services. So the next day I am perplexed to get another message saying that due to some error the courier was not sent. The cycle is repeated. I finally get the bill. Amidst all this, I have no way of telling them that I received a soft copy of the bill on the day I got the first message. I decide to be eco friendly and check on the “Don’t send me hard copies of bill” option on their website. Now I have stopped getting soft copies as well. But the best part is yet to come. In a trend which is reminiscent of Homer Simpson telling the bank that he does a favor by repaying his loan, my mobile service provider has a sweet sounding lady thanking me profusely each time she calls to remind me that my bill is nearing due date and I oblige by saying that I have done the needful. Her happiness at receiving this information is so genuine that I almost feel guilty about making her wait till the last day. Hmm, maybe this is a tactic employed to make me pay my bill early. Now what would have made them believe I am someone to be influenced rather easily? I go through the bank form I had filled up recently. Something, something must be there. I must find it!!

A day well spent

Armed with my April paycheck I headed for my favorite bookstore, which sells more DVDs and chocolates than books. The feeling on arrival was a usual mix of excitement, confusion and disappointment. Excitement at the sheer variety of stuff that can be bought (potentially), confusion over what mix of stuff to spend your hard earned money on and disappointment that prices have not fallen by 80%. As I navigated through the store I noticed a new section named ‘Kamasutra’. Hungrily I made progress towards it when questions popped up in my mind. Do I want to be seen in this section? What if my boss sees me here? Why is no one to be found in this section? I scanned the bookstore for potential threats, trying hard not to appear like a shoplifter in the CCTV. Having ensured that the coast is clear, in a flash I took a U turn at the shelf on my left to enter this erotic section, only to be greeted by an over eager staff member wearing a ‘May I help you' cap.

‘May I help you Sir?’

‘Sure. I am looking for a book titled ‘7 ways to satisfy your woman’

No I didn’t actually say that. Imagine admitting to a stranger that you are lacking in that department. Never. I politely told him to search for a book titled ‘365 positions of love making – Spice up your daily sex life’. Confident that such a book did not exist, I dispatched him from my vicinity and proceeded to conduct a quick inspection of the deal available here. My attention was snared by a gigantic coffee table book bearing a done to death Khajuraho photograph on the cover.

‘Sex in ancient India’, the title screamed. I wondered what sort of place would keep this book. With two hands and some effort I opened the cover to find a note by the editor.

‘India is the land of sex. Blah blah blah. Ancient Romans learnt about orgies from Indians. Blah blah blah. The spice trade was spicy in many other ways. Blah blah blah. Lets usher in a sexual revolution. Blah blah blah. Indians are the sexiest people on earth. Period.

Despite the new found confidence in my sexual abilities as an Indian, I decided not to proceed with the remaining pages as I noticed an angry looking middle aged lady heading towards me.

‘Do you have the original Kamasutra?’ said the middle aged lady, still looking angry.

‘Er ma’am, actually you should check with the staff over there’, I gestured with a horizontal thumb towards the poor bloke who was still trying to complete the mission I had sent him on.

‘Oh Sorry’, she said with her expression of anger changing to that of embarrassment.

‘Hmm. The Original Kamasutra’, I said to myself. When you have an entire section called Kamasutra, patrons are bound to come up with such questions. I moved on. Most of the books were written or edited by people with names that were anything but Indian. Some had photographs of white men with Indian looking women in various stages of love making. The effects of the inspirational editorial in the gigantic coffee table book were beginning to wear off. The non Indian man had caught up fast. I felt defeated and moved on the neighboring section where I would feel more in control. Comics. En route to this less threatening section, I bumped into the over eager helper who was now looking triumphant.

‘Sir. I found this book’

300 POSITIONS TO SPICE UP YOUR SEX LIFE. FREE DVD INSIDE.

(Hmm. Close enough. Maybe they accounted for Sundays and Public holidays)

‘Why don’t they just sell the DVD instead?’ I asked.

‘Excuse me Sir?’

‘Well, this is pretty close to what I was looking for. Why don’t you keep it on that shelf over there and I will grab it when I am done with other stuff’

The comics section was adjacent and devoid of children who were to be found mainly in the video games section. The usual stuff. Batman and other assorted American superheroes who didn’t interest me. Tintin and Asterix which I had read 10 times over. I was happy to see the book store had finally acknowledged that Calvin and Hobbes and Dilbert are not children’s comics. They now commanded a separate shelf. I made my first purchase of the day. Calvin and Hobbes Anniversary Book.

I turned right to enter the Yoga section. There were more photos of Shilpa Shetty and Bipasha Basu here than in Times of India. Baba Ramdev had been consigned to the bottom shelf. Power Yoga. Yoga in 10 minutes. Tantric Yoga. Self Realization through Yoga. Yoga – A Synthesis of Psychology and Metaphysics. Yoga for a better sex life. The Yoga section blended into the spirituality section which seemed to be getting bigger in every visit. I generally avoid this section as it emits a certain radiation that jams my thought process.

If there is one section that beats the shit out of Spirituality section in terms of CAGR (Confounding Abnormal Growth Rate), it is ‘Indian Fiction’. Depending on what sort of Indian you are, it can either inspire you to write a book (if that stuff can be published, so can mine) or choose another profession (is there space for one more?). Indians are writing with a vengeance. I randomly scan some back covers. Hmm, a story about a failed marriage. Another one about a small town guy bedding a rich city girl. Office romance. Engineering romance. Dental romance. Neighborhood romance. Romance in public transport. Frustrated MBAs. BPO stories. Another one about a failed marriage.

After completing my ritual walk around the store, I arrived at the section where I enjoy tremendous respect from the staff. The Playstation 3 games. For the humungous amount of written wisdom on sale in this gigantic store, what I really come for is to check out the latest PS3 releases. The staff here know very well that it is men in their thirties such as me who shell out the real cash on these expensive games and not those kiddos who have to promise one full year of doing homework to their parents to land one title. I pick up Resident Evil 5, Little Big Planet 2 and God of War 3. Feeling on top of the world, I finally head to the ‘World Movies’ section where the attractive intellectual type of women are to be found. I have never bought anything here, though I put on an appearance of being extremely interested. I have never observed anyone picking anything either, so maybe they are all trying to act interested and impress me.  On the way to the billing counter I pick up some chocolates and a magazine carrying a cover story on a sex racket. A day well spent!

The ‘Follow Up’ Culture (FUCK)

(The ‘K’ in the above abbreviation is redundant, just as in ‘Knowledge’. It has been used only as a cheap gimmick to attract attention.)

For long FUCK has been the national corporate culture in India, so much so that it is an institution by itself. Lack of ability to FUCK can be a serious impediment to one’s career progression and is only considered less bad than corporate fraud. Given its importance, I am more than a little disappointed that what deserves to be a post graduate specialization is not even a 3 credit course in B-schools.

Like a well trained management professional I would have liked to make a 42 slide power point presentation on the subject, complete with pie charts, chevrons and bubble diagrams, but the limitations of media restrict me. Hence I will do it the old fashioned way.

The Origins of FUCK

Unconfirmed reports suggest that Indian soil contains traces of bacteria called Relaxum Amnesium which though not fatal, is known to induce temporary memory loss. The bacteria find its way into the food chain through potatoes, widely consumed across India. The effects of the bacteria become visible after the age of 23, peak by 45 and decline by 58. This is remarkably concurrent with the working age of most Indians. Critics have rubbished this theory by calling it ‘national propaganda aimed at legitimizing inefficiency’. They claim that the origins of FUCK lie in bureaucratic lethargy and impatience of businessmen and cannot be blamed on extraneous factors. Being a patriotic Indian, I would like such critics to be spanked in full public view.

Types of FUCK

1.    Stage I (Friendly) – Characterized by an amicable tap on the shoulder followed by a “Yaar tune mera kaam nahin kiya” (“Buddy you didn’t do my work”). Buddy responds by saying “Oye yaar, bhool gaya. Abhi karta hoon” (“Oops dude, I forgot. Will do it right away). He doesn't. But no bad blood yet.

2.    Stage II (Controlled Aggression) – No friendly taps on the shoulder. A phone is picked up and the following interaction ensues:

Victim – Boss, I was waiting for the update from your end. (In India, the word ‘Boss’ when calling someone other than your Boss has a confrontational tone to it)

Boss – Boss, you will get it by end of day. (it means end of next day)

3.    Stage III (Sarcasm) – The communication medium is still phone, followed by a mail.

Victim : Maalik, iss saal update milega?? (My Lord, will I get an update within this year??)

Maalik – Look, I have 100 hundred things to attend to. I will send it by end of this week (it means call up again)

4.    Stage IV (Disguised threat) – This time updates are asked on email, with a copy to the real ‘Boss’

Victim – Dear Mr. Gupta, you are requested to provide the updates asap. Kindly treat this as urgent

Mr. Gupta – Dear Mr. Sharma, pls provide the updates

Mr. Sharma – Dear Amit, FYI & NA

Amit – Sunil, pls do the needful

Sunil – Amit, What updates do you want from me?

Amit – Sorry, forgot the attachment. Please find attached the template.

Sunil – Out of office message: Dear All, as I am getting married, I shall be on leave from 15^th to 31^st March (both days included)

Sunil (on 1^st April) – Dear Amit, just saw your mail. As I have a lot of catching up to do after my leave, I will get back to you by end of this week.

Sunil (next day) – Dear Amit, pls find attached the updates.

Amit – Dear Mr. Sharma – FYI

Mr. Sharma – Dear Mr. Gupta, FYI

Mr. Gupta – Dear Victim, Please find attached.

Victim – Thanks. Appreciate the support (@#$%^!&)

5.    Stage V (Open threat) – Sent on email, with copy to Boss and Gupta’s Boss

Victim – Dear Mr. Gupta, despite repeated reminders, we are yet to receive the updates from your end. If you are facing any difficulty in sharing the same, please let us know. Your prompt action will be highly appreciated.

Boss to Gupta’s Boss – Please help in getting the updates

Gupta’s Boss – Gupta, pls provide asap.

Gupta – Dear Victim, Please find attached. In future to avoid delay, please give me a call. (implying Stage II)

Symptoms of FUCK in a company

1.    Work takes three times as long as it should to complete.

2.    There is a department in your company called ‘Central Facilitation Department”

3.    Forty percent of your staff have the designation ‘Nodal Officer’

4.    Your company has an official position that goes by the name “Vice President – Follow Ups”

5.    Before having sex your employees utter ‘Please do the needful at the earliest’ or ‘please confirm by email that you wish to have sex’.

Treatment

There is no known cure for FUCK, though threats from bosses can temporarily arrest the proliferation of this condition. Vaccination in the form of training sessions, urging workers to be more responsive have proved to be ineffective. The condition is compounded by the fact that the victims of FUCK in many cases are also observed spreading it, thus leading to another complication – what came first, the FUCK or the FUCKed? 

A kid called Afridi

I am not much of an “Aman ki Asha” enthusiast. I am not opposed to it either, just indifferent. But the two media houses involved in this initiative must certainly be feeling that months of bonhomie generated by them is in danger of being extinguished in one fell swoop by Mr. Large Hearted Shahid Afridi. The crass political incorrectness and stupidity of Afridi’s remarks are a throwback to the Javed Miandad era when such sentiments on and off the cricket field were commonplace and defined national pride. Upwardly mobile Indians had started becoming less Pakistan centric in the 2000s until 26/11 brought all that back in a brutal way. That it happened in the heart of India’s biggest metropolis, covered live by media, once again galvanized public outrage against Pakistan. Afridi’s comments will only serve to cement that divide, much to the chagrin of liberals who will be smarting from the gigantic eggs thrown on their face. Criticism of Afridi through words such as ‘unnecessary’ and ‘untimely’ coming from Pakistan will not undo the damage, as more than anything these words are an acknowledgement that the sentiment was not incorrect.

Personally what shocks me most is not the content of Afridi’s doctoral thesis on India and Hindus, but the candidness with which he presented it. An ‘i-care-a-damn-about-consequences’ attitude. The interview would have appeared perfectly at home had it been part of a hidden cam / sting operation reportage. Stereotypes of Hindus amongst Muslims and vice versa are not uncommon in closed quarters, it’s just that in recent times they have never reached the same proportions of say, the anti-Semitic sentiments that were prevalent in Nazi Germany. For those expressing outrage at being called small hearted, I would say relax. As kids a lot of us grow up with similar feelings about other communities, and over time some or all of them get dissipated. Someone remarked funnily on another blog – ‘Relax. Afridi is only 17’. I agree, and would like to add that he is getting younger ala Benjamin Button. His rebuttal to Gambhir and anguish at losing the semi final are classic school boy diatribe which confirm his ever falling age.

Once you shake off the initial jolt of the undiplomatic outburst of Afridi, it is not difficult to see that regional and religious stereotypes abound across the world, not just in the subcontinent. Bollywood makes no bones about its love for ‘Punjabiyat’ which has become synonymous with ‘live life to the fullest’ philosophy. Large heartedness to which Afridi was alluding is believed to be a sub-set of this Punjabiyat. (To its credit Bollywood has seldom indulging in bashing other religions or cultures). South Indians tend to dislike the brashness and feudal arrogance of North Indians, who return the gesture by making snide remarks on their skin colour and lack of aggression courtesy eating too much rasam rice. Bengalis are much ridiculed for their couch warming brand of intellectualism and lack of entrepreneurship while Gujaratis are singled out for their money mindedness. The likes of Shiv Sena and MNS in Maharasthra have fed on the insecurities of marginalized Maharashtrians who get further agitated when terms like lazy and trade unionist are thrown at them. Admittedly all these are easier attacks to deal with and are sometimes laughed off by the recipients themselves. But once you add religion and nationhood to the equation, the sense of humor is lost. 

There are a few things which are tremendously irritating about the levels of stupidity to which Afridi has plummeted. The first is equating religion with a certain kind of behavior. I wonder what his great theory has to say about the size of hearts of Muslims in Bangladesh, China, Malaysia, Turkey and Nigeria, all countries with sizeable Muslim populations which are very culturally different from each other, and at the same time very similar to their neighbors who follow a different religion. The second is his absolute disregard (or ignorance) of media reports in India praising his captaincy in bringing his beleaguered team to the semi final stage. I am pretty much sure that Afridi has been getting an overdose of India TV and IBN7 while ignoring some more meaningful stuff (albeit still with a degree of sensationalism) on other channels or print media. In a way, it is a reminder that trashy journalism can be a poor cultural ambassador. The last and most unfortunate effect is that he has forced Muslim religious leaders in India to feel that they have an obligation to defend themselves and their community. Like with any other terrorist act, they now have to come out and clean someone else’s garbage.

Afridi would be well advised to look in his own backyard of Pashtun dominated tribal regions where intolerance towards religious minorities and persecution of women is standard fare. Maybe he has something to say about the massive support for Mumtaz Qadri, the killer of Salman Taseer. Or the way Veena Malik was grilled by a “100% better media” for getting cuddly with a Hindu Ashmit Patel on an Indian reality show. Large Heartedness all these ain't. But then, he is only 10 years old and not getting any wiser. There is only how much a kid can make you angry. So I have decided to chill and advise others to do the same.

The bizarre does not end here however. I heard that the Gujarat government has declared a princely cash prize of Rs 1 lakh for Munaf Patel and Yusuf Pathan, the only two players from the rich Indian state of Gujarat in the Indian cricket team, and coincidentally both Muslims. If there is one thing that trumps Afridi in stupidity, it is this. I am willing to believe, naively though that this was an error of Chinese whispers, of a written sort, where zeroes kept getting dropped and an amount of 1 Cr got reduced to 1 lakh. I refuse to believe that Modi and his government are so stupid as to invite yet another round of accusations of being communal, an image they have been trying hard to change. I might be proved wrong, which would make it an interesting situation.

The Golden Jackfruit Awards

Golden Kela Awards, the Indian version of Razzies, though not as famous, were declared few days back. It was heartening to see that some of my own ‘favorites’ (Sanjay Leela Bhansali, Shah Rukh Khan, etc) were among those ‘banana-ed’. I almost fell off my bed on reading that there is a category named “3 Idiots Childbirth Award for the most ridiculous sequence in a movie". This is the kind of stuff I identify with.

Taking inspiration, I have decided to institute my own set of awards, spread across the spectrum of social life in India. You will notice that most of these are customized to make a particular individual win hands down, and this amounts to cheating, but I have never made any claims that I am an honest person.

Award for “Excellence in family management”: Goes to M.Karunanidhi, Tamil Nadu’s macho man with 3 wives. With a family tree as complicated as the insides of a jet engine, he gets 11 out of 10 for figuring out if the latest person to be involved in a scam is related to him. (I am told he uses Google for it with the search string “Karunanidhi+clan+including+illegitimate” and gets 24 million results)

Award for “Setting new paradigms in management”: Shared by Conference call facilities and Smartphones. Now the only way to escape work is death itself. Scared of the consequences of your decision? Not well informed? A conference bridge is few button presses away. Summon 25 people and brainstorm. (We Indians like to call it ‘collective decision making’). Need quick comments on a confusing email sent by the Director at 3 in the night? Just push it to that uppity assistant on his Blackberry (he asked for it)

“Most loyal follower” award – to Times of India for their eternal love with Lindsay Lohan, Kim Kardashian and Lady Gaga - the only people in this world of any relevance (after Mr. Honest Manmohan Singh i.e). If these ladies ever feel lonely, they can visit the TOI office where I am told that a red carpet lies rolled up at the reception, waiting for them.

“Misplaced priorities” award – To the BJP, for repeatedly asking for PM’s head to roll. Some advice to them:

1.    Dr. Manmohan Singh does not control the government. He was never meant to. Get this into your heads

2.    Congress is not dependent on its allies for staying in power this time

3.    Next elections are 3 years away – a long time in Indian public memory

4.    Something will happen in the next 3 years which will bring Congress back to power (or keep you from coming to power)

5.    If Dr. Manmohan Singh were to step down, whom would you like to see as PM? Do you really think it makes ANY difference who heads the government?

“Quitting is for losers” Award – to Kashmira Shah for her ‘sexy’ calendar. Amid speculations that the calendar was a con job involving morphing of Kashmira’s face on some better toned bodies, I decided to check it out. Not being particularly adept at recognizing her curves, I gave my judgment a pass. No ambiguity on one thing though – If you can’t titillate them, confuse them.

“I make movies for myself” Award – Hands down winner – Sanjay Leela Bhansali for Guzaarish. I don’t speak for the world here, so excuse my opinionated ranting. Seldom has a movie made me think so hard. Think i.e. to understand if I am missing a point. Is this one helluva movie and I am emotionally/mentally incapable of appreciating it? Finally I gave up. No matter how much I tried, I could feel no sympathy for Hrithik Roshan who looks so handsome, well built (despite spending years as a vegetable), having the beauteous Aishwarya Rai as a companion and living in a Mansion people would kill for. This is not to say that good looking and rich people do not deserve sympathy in a similar situation, but it fails to work in the movie. Even the khatiya bound Amma in Peepli Live evoked more feelings, if seen in another perspective. And what’s with the Victorian (or whatever) setting and outfits? What value does it add to the movie? Mood? It looks downright ridiculous.

“Balanced debate is for schools” award – Again hands down winner Arnab Goswami. Much as I admire him for his zeal in trying to fight corrupt and inept leaders (and he does appear genuinely outraged on most occasions), I cannot agree with his methods. Making a seekh kabab out of an outnumbered politician on a one versus five debate looks great on TV, but presents a danger that soon majority opinion will officially be regarded as law.

“Finger on pulse of the nation” award – To rediff.com for unearthing a sex scandal every day. I visit the site often these days to check out the cricket scores as it loads pretty fast, and on each occasion my eyes hover around the “Follow” button. If there are no sex scandals happening, rediff.com will create them for you. After all, throw in some words such as Bareilly, cyber café, teenager, school teacher, neighbour etc in a mixer, give them to an out of work script writer and presto, you have a sex racket ready. In today’s cyber world, anything put up on a website is an authentic source of information and can be cited in your next PhD thesis